


The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are the Best I've Ever Had

by imherecauseimnotallthere98



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Brain Damage, Head Injury, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Injury, M/M, Major Character Injury, Past Character Death, Serious Injuries, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2014-10-18
Packaged: 2018-02-21 16:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2474612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imherecauseimnotallthere98/pseuds/imherecauseimnotallthere98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A year ago, Dean was severely injured in a hunting accident that killed Cas. He sustained a serious head injury that left him with the inability to create long term memories. In short, because he cannot create new memories, his last memory is of Cas dying. He doesn't cope well with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dreams In Which I'm Dying Are the Best I've Ever Had

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd. Based off the movie 'Momento'. I own nothing. Title is from the song "Mad World" By Gary Jules.
> 
> / / =Italicized

The dinner was quiet that day. Or maybe it always was slow like this. It was just a little place off the highway after all, it couldn't really attract more than people just passing through. Truckers mostly.

Looking around quickly to make sure no one was watching, Dean pulled the flask he always kept in his pocket out. It wasn't filled with holy water or salt. No, the Winchester did his best to keep this one filled to the brim with something much better.

/“Milk of amnesia.”/ He groused. /“How ironic.”/ The voice in his head sneered.

After one more quick glance around and seeing no eyes turned his way, Dean unscrewed the top and poured a generous amount into his half full coffee cup. Quickly putting the lid back on and stowing the silver flask, the hunter took a long sip from his cup. After a few moments, he saw a waitress approaching his booth his booth, a cheery smile on her face.

/“Okay, do I know her? She's obviously seen me before.”/

“Hi, again.” She said, her smile lighting up her face.

/“Shit.”/

Dean didn't bother trying to smile back.

“Do I know you?” He asked, sounding uninterested.

He felt like a complete jackass and an idiot at the same time. Which, yes, is possible. The waitress, her name tag said Cheryl, frowned, tilting her head slightly. Dean felt his chest constrict tighter as she did, it was such a typical Cas move.

“Um, yeah. You were at the counter like three minutes ago. We were talking.”

/“Fuck. Okay. You probably didn't tell her about your condition, otherwise she wouldn't be this confused.”/

“Yeah, sorry.” He mumbled, not really sounding all that sorry. “I have this condition. I can't really remember anything.”

The hunter looked down and away, refusing to meet Cheryl's gaze. Though she was still confused, she was starting to understand somewhat.

“Like amnesia?” She asked curiously.

Dean shook his head, still not looking back at her. He focused instead on the warm coffee mug in his hand, and took another sip. The taste of booze was strong, burning his throat differently, better than the coffee, so he took another swig.

“No, it's...I remember my life fine up up to a certain point, but...I had this accident, and there was some brain damage...” He trailed off. He didn't remember, but the doctors hadn't really explained it. They didn't know much about it either. As far as they knew, only two other people in the world had ever had a similar condition.

Dean made himself look back to his waitress.

“I can't make new memories. I only remember things for a few minutes then it goes blank again.'

/“Ah, crap. She looks interested. She wants to know more.”/

“Well, what's the last thing you remember? Before your accident?” There was a little snark in her voice, as if she didn't quit believe him. That pissed Dean right off.

“My boyfriend, Cas.” He replied, his voice light and mocking her tone, even though his chest tightened more and his throat felt his like it wanted to close after saying the name.

“Oh that's sweet.” Cheryl faked smile at him, the snark more apparent.

“Dying,” Dean added, still sounding light, but staring her down. He whole demeanour darkened as he spoke again. “I remember him dying.”

Before another word could be said, the hunter stood up to leave. He roughly bumped her on his way out.

 

Dean pulled out his notepad once he was outside and looked for the latest entry.

/March 6th, 2010. It's been 11 months.

You and Sam are at the Red motel. Room #12. 415 71st street. Fieldale, Virginia./

Looking up, saw the motel sign across the street. He made his way toward it.

 

Once he reached the door, he felt around in his pocket for the key, guessing it would probably be there. Finding it, he let himself in.

“Sam?”

No answer, but there was a note on the table.

/Dean,

Went to check out a body at the morgue. Should be back by 3:00pm,

Sam./

Dean set the note back down.

/“Okay. 3:00. It's 1:45 now. That's plenty of time.”/ He thought.

 

Going around the room, Dean picked up all the clothes he knew were his, stuffing them into his duffel. He cleared the bathroom of his things, putting them into the same bag.  
Doing one last sweep of the room, he saw nothing else that belonged to him, other than his guns, Before he forgot, he took the duffel outside to the dumpsters and threw it into the closest one, letting it's heavy lid slam shut.

He paused, looking around himself.

/“Okay. I'm outside. Why?”/

Pulling out his notepad, he checked the latest date.

/March 6th, 2010. It's been 11 months.

You and Sam are at the Red motel. Room #12. 415 71st street. Fieldale, Virginia./

Walking around to the front of the building, he saw he was outside the Red motel. He found his room and went in.

 

He saw the note on the table from Sam, and checked the clock to make sure he had time. 2:00. He did. Looking around, he saw all his stuff was gone.

/“I must have just done that.”/

Grabbing a piece of paper from the stack on the counter, and the pen he kept in his pocket for his notepad, he sat down at the table.

 

/Sam,  
I'm sorry. You have no idea what this is like. The last thing I remember is the hunt, and what happened to Cas. You told me it's been months, probably several times. The last time you said it had been nearly a year, but it doesn't seem that long. Sam, it always feels like it just happened minutes ago. You have no idea how hard this is, I can't get over it when it feels so recent all the time. I know I tried, otherwise I wouldn't have made it this long. I tried so damn hard. But I can't, not anymore. I know we must have tried everything, and nothing worked. I'm useless on hunts. I'm a wreck, and I'm not going to get better. I'm so sorry for everything I put you through this last year, it must have been hell for you. For everything, I am sorry. And I'm sorry to put you through this.  
-Dean/

 

Setting down the pen next to his note, Dean caught sight of the amulet hanging around his neck. Taking it off, he set it on top of the note.

The Winchester stood up and went over to sit on the closest bed. He could feel his .45 tucked into the back of his jeans. As he sat down, he pulled the gun out. Turning it over in his hands, he looked it over. The cool, shinning silver finish, the ivory coloured grip. Releasing the clip, he checked to make sure it was loaded. Taping the mag against the grip, he slid it back into place. He pulled the slide back, engaging the single bullet into the chamber.  
He hadn't needed to write this down. To remind himself of his plan. It had been in his head for what he was sure must have been a long time.  
Pulling the safety back, Dean moved the gun into position against the bottom of his jaw. He closed his eyes, the tension leaving his face as he took in his last breath. Releasing it slowly, he sighed. Then, gently, he squeezed the trigger.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and kudos if you liked it. My friend punched me after she read this
> 
> My Tumblr: imherecauseimnotallthere98


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